I find myself withdrawing today, I am hurt, deeply. I can't seem to stop this downward spiral of questioning.

I need to walk away for a bit, at least from part of all *this* To many voices, to many expectations, and my desire to be pleasing has me feeling that I can no longer do anything because I seem to cause disappointment in a few.

Why can't I find a place of honesty, I so long for a part in this life, but time and again I am shown that it is filled with hypocracy and deciept. Why do I return over and over, am I really that pathetic a glutton for punishment?


To be quite honest, I regret the day that I ever chose to return to the softer side of the silks, I am not going to find him again in this world of flat screens and typos. I refuse to lower my expectations...

I made my resolution, make one person smile each day. I believe I succeeded today, we spent the day with my niece. We had a great lunch, even if our household was still stuffed from breakfast, then went and saw Polar Express. Of course they all wanted to sit in the nosebleed seats for stadium seating and I just about died going up all the stairs on my crutches.

I really am ready to be done with this, I find myself walking a little on it, forgetting its in the cast and getting up. I just, have reached that point of frustration where I don't really care anymore. I need to call monday and find out when the cast comes off.

In the interim, I am watching Big Fish, will be crying my eyes out later I am sure. This movie is so touching, in so many ways.

Ah well, off to socialize in GPR, I did let Master BDW know I am taking some time to know myself, all he said was continue to be pleasing...

Maya

The passing of a family friend was whispered upon the wind to me today. He was one of the last surviving men that was aboard a submarine that sunk and was rescued. 90 years old, and you know in all my years of knowing him, I have never heard a bad thing about the man. He was a joy to know, always there with a smile or helping hand, even when he came to a point where he needed the help. I shall always remember the last time I saw him, and hold that memory close in my heart.
I wish you peace good friend.
Maya

My father showed up today, a once in a blue moon occurance for him. Painful, though no one seems to understand why. He is such a CHARMING fellow, how could I not adore him *vomit* He is charming, when he wishes it. But he has this warped view that he was part of my life when I was a child. He was gone when I was born, didn't even meet me til I was 18 months old, then, gone again, and divorced my mom by the time I was three. I never spent time with him growing up, he rarely remembered me unless his family made him spend time with me, yet, he insists on talking about me growing up and how bad a child I was. The rest of my family says I was a great kid, always easy going, lovable and all that jazz, yet he persists in thinking I was some horrid being.

I guess the biggest thing is that he and his wife concider themselves as having 3 children, my two sisters and brother. I was never included in anything they did, growing up everything was always a struggle, yet they all had everything handed to them, and if I even thought of asking for something, I got slapped for it, then they would turn around and do it for them. That and the fact that he is up this way frequently enough, drives within 20 mins of my house, yet, only visits MAYBE one time a year. Even for my wedding he wasn't sure he could come, he had a raquetball tournament to be in. HIS FUCKING DAUGHETERS WEDDING!!

I am happy the visit is over, I can go back to life now, and not stressing over him just showing up. Luckily my aunt had called me early this morning to warn me he was in the area, so at least I didn't just open the door to him being here.

time to go curl up with invader zim...

Oh, I finished 20 questions on my final today:)

maya

I had the oddest dream last night. I was out to dinner with family, and somehow I got sucked into running the strangest race of my life. Thing is I was still on my crutches in a cast, yet my stubborness got me into it, and I refused to back out, even when I got up and people saw the cast and said, oh, nevermind you don't have to.

Somehow, one of hte stopping points in the race, you had to do the strangest scavanger hunt, myf amily was able to help me during it, the items to find were varied, but one thing that stood out was needing sail cloth...?

Strange things going on in my mind this morning.

So, I set off on my new journey yesterday, even got myself out of the house last night. On the way home, a deer decided that it had to commit suicide against the car. Luckily the lil one was fine, as was my companion. I got a bit of a bruise on my good shin and sorta whacked my bad foot. But I shall survive:) I felt so bad for the deer though, it was not a quick death. I was on the phone with the police to have them come shoot it, and another woman decided to come flying past us, and she ran over its neck. Lots of blood, gor, and general ickyness. The lil one got the lecture on the circle of life, why we wear seatbelts and why you look both ways before crossing the road.

The car suffered minimal damage, but I still felt so bad for the companion. The lil one is still talking about the deer, he tells people you are going to be so sad... When we got home, his eyes were pretty dialated, I think adreniline related, so we kept him up a while, and he wanted to watch rudolph of all things. In some ways, I wish the critter had been bigger, we would have kept it and eaten it, not seeing it go to waste. But after the multiple hits and it being young, it wasn't keepable, I am not sure what they did with it, at the very least I hope it goes to something other then an incinerator.

I went out again today, worked some on my final, which after I blog and things quiet down I will return to and hopefully finish the multiple choice section today, and leave my essays for tomorrow.

Tonight we are probably having company over, that should be nice. Being laid up, I don't get to see people often anymore, no one wants to come out to visit in the boonies! I am going to make up a batch of spaghetti, that way I have enough food for whomever show up, just gonna throw sauce in meatballs and maybe a lil chicken in there.

I just needed to have a bit of verbal diarreah out, I am all done now;)

Maya

I made a choice today, a big one, and hopefully one that will lead me back to the path that is the right one for me. I have become so very lost, I find myself in a constant whirlwind, turning to places that only continue to push me in circles, instead of to a place where perhaps I shall find a wall, so at the very least I can stop, and take stock in what is going on.

So, I begin, journalling again at the request of Mistress Tasia, or more, she mentioned it, and I said well yeah I used to do that and fell off the penwagon. So here I am, back in the saddle again, reading over some things from the past, and realizing...this is a circle that never ends.

So, first of all, I need to make a commitment, not to anything of the *lifestyle* but to getting my final done for biology.

I know part of my problem is that I do not feel good about myself because I am procrastinating this, and letting myself down. I always feel more energized when I am studying...

So, I shall start there:)

I am really uncomfortable today, I did far to much this weekend with the lil ones bday and all. Running a bit of a fever, and well, let's just say that inside is not really liking me right now. Sharp pains and twinges all the time. I refuse to be less then perfect when I leave for florida on Saturday...I can force myself well right?

Friday was a long day, I trucked all over the place looking for nascar things for my lil ones cake, only to get home and have my hubby tell me his mom made him a cake. I was really disappointed. I probably took it harder then needed because of what is going on with me, but, I didn't ask her to make him a cake, and I sort of wanted to start this tradition with my lil one, I had made what I call junk cake for a friend and he LOVED it, so I told him for his b-day I would make him one. What I do is make two different layers of cake, put chocolate frosting in the middle of the layers, then frost with vanilla and sprinkle with cookies. Then I go into our candy jar and cover it with whatever is in there, candy bars, lindt chocolate, lil nascars, pez dispensers whatever. I had bought a ton of lil nascar candies and hotwheel chocolates to do the cake in, had a huge Tony Stewart centerpiece for it, and since his bday was nascar themed it sorta was the centerpiece to the day.

I know I could have made the cake still and had two, but she normally makes really big cakes, and we really didn't need a ton left over. She brought this stupid puppy cake, so not my son. He is all about trucks, cars, things that go fast. Not to mention they showed up two fucking hours late! I was pretty livid, but did my best to hide it and not spoil my lil ones day.

Hubby and I went and saw Mystic River later that night, we had to bring my niece back to Boston, and since we had my mom here to sit with my son we stayed out for a lil bit. The movie was good, but I expected more. Sunday my sons actual bday we made him his favorite breakfast then took him bowling with a new friend. he loved it.

Today I was supposed to head up north, but IT IS SNOWING, hasn't stopped all day, we better not have to frelling plow I will be pissed. I guess I shall end up going tomorrow, I hope the weather clears up.

I am resting, should have been doing that from the moment I got home, but somehow...no matter what the dr says I just never listen. I am regretting it now as I am pretty uncomfy. When I went in, she gave me the whole this should be no big deal spiel, then once she got me all set up, she realized that all the worse case senario stuff she had told me is the path we would be taking.

She took about 5 biopsies, some more painful then others, even though at times I am masochistic, it isn't easy to keep yourself still while they pinch pieces of flesh from your inner bits without anything to numb the area. I ended up passing out on her, so the whole deal took much longer then I expected, and when all is said and done she has told me that what she is seeing, the changes in just the 6 weeks since I was there before and the way it has progressed that most likely I will be in for the leep procedure in a few weeks to nip this in the bud as she is pretty certain I am past the mild dysplasia and well into moderate.

I am scared, I went through this less then a year ago, and at the time was told the leep had a 98% success rate...yay me for being in the 2% range. At least I am staying on top of it though, and hopefully it has not progressed to the point where when she calls me on the 19th she tells me we have moved beyond pre-cancerous stage, to cancer.

I know that because we have kept watch, and I have been really good about keeping to my 6 month appointments that we should be able to keep this in check, but, the big picture scares me. It is times like these I sometimes wish I had a close circle of female friends to talk to about things, but, I really don't. The women in my life are more likely to try and coerce, tell me what to do, then provide the support which is all I really need.

The next few days are going to be hectic, I have this to deal with, the situation with my mil unsettled, trying to plan for my lil ones birthday which...isn't going smoothly, and 2 days ago I had decided to rip my house apart and do a major spring cleaning, move every large piece of furniture spree...at least the heavy work is mostly done, now it is just putting the pieces back together.

My mom will be here this weekend, I am not sure what I am going to tell her, I really don't want her to worry and bug me to death about this. Things have changed so much with her since I was little. I can remember driving myself to the hospital with kidney stones so as not to bother her, and now, she didn't even want me to have a friend drive me to my procedure today. I am glad I choose to have B take me though, as I probably would have cried in front of my mom. Crying doesn't solve anything though...bleh.

Off to lay down, my brain has had to much stuffed in it the last few days, and I just need a rest.

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Last night was horrid, I had a killer migraine, the kind where even the clock light in my otherwise pitch black room was to much light, I couldn't find any position that was comfortable and any bit of food or pain med I took came right back up. The little one was no help, he was up a few times, had to pee, glass of water, lets just kick and scream to make mom miserable.

I finally got through the night, I think it subsided some around 5am this morning. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I made it through the morning, got a bit done on the quilt I am working on, then my mother-in-law called. My lil ones birthday is coming up,a nd as per her regular schedule she has to try and ruin it. She whined about the plans I have, then started in on me not inviting his Uncle. The uncle who can't be bothered to return phone calls and has not spoken to us since sometime in the middle of last year. I let her know this, and she INFORMS me that I have to fix this. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I am sick of trying to fix the family, ball is in his court. She started after me, and well, I might have told her to shove it up her ass...to which she hung up on me:)

So then I had to call hubby and let him know I pissed off his mom, and for once he completely agreed with what I did. Miracles do happen. So who knows what is going to happen now, I would be completely happy if she didn't show up for my sons bday, she would make the day miserable anyways. If she does show, I am going to be hard pressed to be civil to her. I have been with hubby 12 years now, she has yet to change her attitude towards me, how dare I be able to live my life and not have to go crying to her all the time for money and the like, like her precious other son who can't seem to wipe his own ass without his mother giving him $10,000 for custom shit paper.

So, what do most women do when they are pissed off...either clean or bake if you are me. Cookies are cooling on the counter, and my kitchen is immaculate except for washing the floor which I will do once I get the lil one down for his nap. I then plan on moving all the big furniture in the living room and re-doing it. Probably will regret taking apart the stereo system and trying to move the entertainment center, but who cares.

What I would really like right now though is one of my lil slut toys to beat, a nice hard flogging and a good session with some rope and them helplessly bound. Hrm... probably n ot safe for them though:)

So, on goes another day in paradise.

I have mostly moved to livejournal, but am going to cross post here, just to be confusing;)

I am just back from going to j's birthing way. I left friday night, taking the 3 year old monster to my moms. After about 5 mins, I remembered why I don't go to my mom's that often anymore, my step-father is a complete food control freak, he seems to think that he is the only person that need to eat a real meal, not just a tiny bit of food. For dinner my son and I got to share a pork chop, oh boy, and of course being the mom I made sure my son got as much as he wanted, and being that he is a growing boy...was most of it.

When they come here, he eats me out of house and home, but when I go there, I always feel like I can't have anything. I am glad I had brought some food, I ended up feeding my lil one before I left in the morning, and just got out, took myself out for coffee and a donut before the long drive to J's party.

I got a lil lost, I knew I made a wrong turn, but I wouldn't listen to that lil niggling voice that said, HEY pioneer valley isn't where you want to be! I still got to the birthing way on time though, Leaving early was a good choice.

I really enjoyed the ceremony for J, we did a belly and breast casting for her, and I found it amusing that she was able to lay there naked while we oiled her body, then placed strip after strip of plaster of paris on her, yet after she showered she was hiding her body with a towel:) I told her so and we all had a good giggle. We all decorated butterflies for her, which she is going to use as a mobile for her new baby, and each of us gave her a bead to be woven into a dream catcher.

I headed home after the party, another 2 hours in the car, then home for a next to nothign dinner, which after a vegetarian potluck we had at the party *read a bunch of ppl brought cheese/bread and chips, I was starving.

My lil one was up all night, So I got next to nothing for sleep, and today I am just pretty wiped out. I should probably take a nap, but I think I am just going to call it an early night tonight and try to get a early start on the day tomorrow.

I am really nervous about thursday, I hate this procedure they are doing on me, I usually end up pretty sick afterward. I am worried about getting back bad results from the biopsy too. I really don't know what I am going to do if the worst case senario plays out. Last year we were so certain we got rid of all the bad cells, and they are back. What is the next step? We already did leep on me, and she says since it didn't work, that perhaps the next step has to be more drastic.

So all I can do is not worry like everyone is telling me. Easy, it isn't their body!

I should check my blog more often, I found out today it is listed on some odd pet store site....

Some poor sap is gonna find my perversion looking for squeeky toys;)


Anyways, I really don't have anything to share, or more to the point...anything I want to share with anyone who would read this.

I am enjoying being anti-social.

Maya

In this life, I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you are a bear you get to hibernate. You do
nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that.

When you're a girl bear, you give birth to your children
(who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping.
You wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows that you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.

Yup. Gonna be a bear.

Goddess of the stars. you stand for beuty and
light. You also love to twinkle!


What beutiful goddess are you?(with anime pics!)
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The shaft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.
Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC), The Eagle and the Arrow

I haven't been around much lately. feeling very withdrawn. I guess you get to a point where you finally learn that when you put your hand on the flame you will get burned.

The holidays were ok, nothing overly eventful. Parts I wouldn't mind not re-doing...but I shall survive. Seems everyone is sick these days, and every xmas has someone in our house no one wants to be near. this years lovely cold has been shared to all...the holiday spirit I guess;)


anyways, i really haven't much to say I guess. I am not much into sharing anything at the moment. Maybe winter has brought upon me a feeling of needing to hibernate with my feelings and thoughts.

Maya

I have been a BAD BAD GIRL.

I have been so wrapped up in other things I have completely neglected to blog.

I have so many things I should put in here, but, I am not sure I have the energy, its 2am. But I knew if I didn't say at least something, there are a few of you who are going to continue to pester the shit out of me.

I did find my outdoor kitty, and though I long to return him to indoor kitty, he pees all over my house, so after some snuggles I had to kick him back out. It was tough.

I am sorta ready for the holidays, I have a few things left to make and will be sewing up a storm tomorrow. My intentions are always good to have things done early, but, procrastination wins out:)

Thats it for tonight...ta

I am in my office, working on the website, listening to music by a lovely native american artist, Joanne Shendandoah -- CD Eagles Cries and just...for a moment at peace.

I went for a long walk today looking for my outdoor kitty, the snow is deep, the branches holding their burdens of snow in wait for you to pass beneath them so they can dump it upon you...it was amusing. I did some thinking, realizing that part of my problem right now is my disconnection from my spirituality. I need to find my spirit heart again, and then maybe my body will allow me to fully recover.

I am enjoying my break from most of the on-line stuff I do. Talking only with those I hold closest to my heart, enjoying KOC, except for a vicious sabotage I had. I would like to think some of my friendships are deepening, and becoming more then the general aquaintences I have had in the past.

Life moves on...

You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is bound to the Black Rose: The
Wicked.

"I am the wicked specemin of sin with no
profound logic to believe in. Hold me tight,
but don't hold me close, I go where I
desire."

The Black Rose is associated with manipulation,
control, and virtuosity. It is governed by the
goddess Psyche and its sign is The Tapestry, or
Crafted Love.

As a Black Rose, you may have a slight wicked
streak running through you. But whether you
are naughty or nice is up for debate. You know
how to get what you want and can work people
for what they're worth. You have great people
skills, but can sometimes be a bit of a control
freak.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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My dreams turn violent, I toss and turn at night unable to sleep. I was up until 4 this morning, then out of bed at 7am...and now it is past midnight and my brain still will not stop. Everytime I close my eyes, lay down my head it starts, the lists of things i need to do, the pains I am trying to hide and THAT DAMN SNORING!

I am feeling better...kinda. Experiencing new places in my healings, lovely side effects from anti-biotics and the like. I am still tired, just, can't seem to rest.

This weekend we are supposed to be snowed in. I invited B over to hang, but he didnt't want to. Not that I blame him, he must be getting tired of me being to sick to enjoy him lately. I am feeling pretty useless at the moment.

I am off to try and get a few hours of sleep, and if that doesn't work, I think I shall tackle the dungeon, I want to get it back into shape, construction down there has it in shambles.

Other then that, perhaps I will take another long bath like yesterday and read some brain candy type book, and lose myself in someone elses life.

I will return...

It has been a long day, I did a lot of cleaning, which sorta wiped me out. I am still really low on energy and fighting the various and sundry illnesses that seem to not want to let go of me. Coughing a lot, finding it hard to breathe, but, feeling this need to rid my life of so many things.

The last two mornings are the first time in a month I actually wanted to get out of bed in the morning, but, it doesn't last long, my energy fades fast. I probably should be checked for mono, my temps not been below 99 in over 2 weeks now. I really do hope that I am just getting every winter cold and flu and bug at once, and can have the rest of my winter in peace. Maybe this is my bodies way of telling me I just need to slow down a bit.

Anyways, my suspicions were correct today about a fella I was talking to. I seem to attract people who have partners they forget to tell me about. The old, no really we broke up line is really starting to wear thin on me. I think I should just make a list of every guy from b.com that I have fucked, played with or has hit on me seriously, and find out just how many of them have women I don't even know exist. It would be amusing for a short time, but regretfully I am just not like that.

So instead I shall just vent here, warning any of you that are out there to make sure you completely stake your claim on your man if you are in public arena's of chat, because they certainly are not going to make an effort to let anyone know they are yours. I am really...no I have lost my faith in the male race. 92% of you are losers, you do not deserve the air you are breathing at this moment. I do hope every last one of you who has led their woman on a merry chase, filling their lives with deciet and dishonor ends up getting your cock bitten off by a jealous extra in your life. It is the least you deserve.

Why be with someone if you are going to pretend your not with them? Why bother? I can tolerate so many things, but being lied to when I ask a direct question really really pisses me off. I am a vengeful bitch, but, for now I shall hope that fate and karma hands down a suitable punishment for me.

I am soon going to need to find an outlet, a place to let my venom go, it consumes me lately. I have so much bitterness for so many. I am finding it harder and harder to find good in anything anymore. Just when I think I have found a shining light, I realize it is nothing more then a flash, and soon the darkness embraces again.

So for now, I am withdrawing, I am letting go, I closed down all my groups, I am taking a break from bcom, I deleted a huge portion of my im...aquaintances, and except those few who know how to track me down, or might chance upon here to read what I am up to, I am just going to disappear for a bit. Otherwise, I might just go mad.

M

Things have been hectic, been really sick and just...tired of it all I guess. My walls grow stronger, those within carefully entrusted with the ways in, those without...can stay there.

Jaded is the word that comes to mind most these days, I am letting go of so many things that I have found are just no longer important to me. But the few things that are, I am working on building up much stronger then they have ever been.

I must go face the day, but when I have free time later, I should probably go over the last few weeks, and be certain that I mark down my feelings, so I do not allow it to happen again.

M

Why am I so foolish as to think my trust is worth anything to people. I really have no idea why I put it out there anymore, for it seems everytime I let the walls down, everytime I let someone in...they find their sharpest knife and drive it into my heart.

I am sick of it, I told myself it was the last time, and this time I truely mean it. There are a few of you who have slipped within the walls, and you will be enfolded within, but for the rest of you, fuck off, stay the hell away from me.


Maya

http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=343y3xj3

Join me...you know you want to:)

In an odd frame of mind this week, not sure if its all the meds or what. I haven't been sleeping well, and am dreaming a lot again. Odd dreams, disturbing...

Good news for those of us who are farscape fans, looks like they are going to do a 4 hour mini-series if TV guide can be believed. I certainely hope it is true! I would love to see the loose ends tied up, the way they left it..UGH

VICTOR: You are victor!

1400-years-old, he is the supreme Vampire overlord
who has been sleepong to restore his power.
Selene trusts him as she trusts no one else and
daringly awkens him when no one else believes
her discovery of the Lycan plot to destroy the
Vampires. Viktor is tall, powerful, haught, and
ostentatious. And ruthless. He had his own
daughter, Sonja, executed when it was
discovered she was secretly involved with a
lycan leader. Many have elevated him to
celebrity status. Many others wish him dead.
But Viktor has his own secrets and a dark side
no other Vampire has ever known ... he may have
been the one who began the ancient battle
between Lycans and Vampires.

Ever wish
you could be a vampire?

href="http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Archangel">Then
Click Here to become a Vampire!


Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
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Tomboy


What kind of little girl were YOU?
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My outercourse activity is dry humping!


Which Sexual Outercourse Act Are You? (with pictures)
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You are Agent Smith, from "The Matrix."
No one would ever want to run into you in a
dark alley. Cold as steel, tough as a rock,
things are your way or the highway.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Still battling this cold, bilater inner and middle ear infections, ruptured ear drum and an Upper Respitory Infection. Yeah, its drained me in more ways then one:)

I am sitting here listening to the Phantom of the Opera, enjoying some relative peace in the house until the men return from skating. For some reason I have been full of desire to revamp the house, the energy level isn't there, but I am trucking through it. Getting rid of tons of *baggage* both emotional and physical, to many memento's of times I would do best to forget. It has been cathartic, and I guess good for me.

My biology course is goign slowly, part of my plan is to create a better study area for myself, one that my lil one can't run off with my school work!

Sigh, and there are the men, time to go be productive and put away groceries.

Maya

Caught a bit of a cold, been down and out for a bit. I am down to no voice, can't lay down to sleep and struggling to breathe, its lovely.

So, you are not getting much out of me today, shall write more when I am feeling better.

Maya

I am sometimes amazed how your friends can be so quick to condemn you. How can a person who says they know you and your heart think so awful of you. Why do I not stay and try to *convince* them otherwise, do I feel I really am that horrid, or do I not think I can remain friends with someone who would put me in such a place.


All I know, is tonight, my heart aches.

Maya

Things have been VERY hectic around here. Things came to a head over the farm next door, and I have spent the last week or so setting up a very strong case against their farming practices. I have quite a few agencies investigating them at the moment, but it has entirely consumed me!

so, today the ball really started rolling and I can watch for a bit,...though, I am exhausted.

Off to nap

Me

So how do you tell the man you love that you saw someone try to murder him in your sleep. Needless to say I had a rough night, my dreams lately have been of me being murdered, last night was the first time it was someone else. I am getting to the point where I can only sleep when he is around, as soon as he leaves my side the nightmares start. I haven't told him about it though, he is probably wondering why I fall asleep on him so easily lately. I guess after last night I shoudl talk to him and let him know what is up.

watching a loved one die the way I did last night in my dreams, is horrid, so if you happen to see me around today, don't be surprised if I am not myself.

BTW: Somehow, he miraculously appeared later in my dream.

It is kind of late and I should be asleep, but, I feel the need to blog.

I am depressed, not today was a bad day depressed, but, I could care less about getting out of bed each day depressed. I don't want to eat, my normal activities no longer please me, heck, I don't even cum on a regular basis anymore. I try to be myself, but, somehow...it just isn't there.
I wish I knew what my problem was, am I overwhelmed, underwhelmed, confused...

sigh...

YOU are the agressiveness.
A dwarf. A goblin. A troll. No one said you had to
be smart to be aggressive. you work for the
evil and/or dangerous power holders. you do as
you're bid, no questions asked. a job is a job,
right? everyone's gotta make a living and you
play to your strengths. literally.


what fairy tale role do you play? (this time with pictures)
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I take that back, got my score I got a 98! Yaya me!

STILL no grade on my final, I am beginning to go nuts here. I am already well into my next course, but I am afraid to turn in another test until I get the grade back on this one. I just need the closure of it I guess.

I spent the day out, had to make a run to Home Depot, beginning to think I live there! Then came home, worked in the yard, went out galavanting in the forest, re-did the iguana's cage, he likes the new climby perchy things I built him. This afternoon I shall probably study some, I could use a nice long bath too. I really am enjoying fall, the weather is just perfect!

Last night we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving, I had to face the evil bitch of doom again, I did a great job ignoring her, and I think it irked her to no end that everyone was paying attention to me and fawning over my lil one. She really is a bitch, I couldn't believe it when she walked in the door and my mother in law is like, hurry get her a glass of wine before she flips out on us. Sheesh she is the mother of two little babies, drinks like a fish and people encourage it. She really disgusts me. I made it through the whole evening without speaking a word to her. There are very few people in this world I entirely despise, she just happens to be one of them.

I wish for my husbands sake I could somehow ...deal better with her. But, the woman hasn't one redeeming feature. I just refuse to suck up to her like everyone else does because they are afraid of her. I made it quite clear to all last night that I found their behaviour disgusting, and all I got for a reply was, its easier to placate her then actually stand up to her. Rolls her eyes, these are fucking adults, old enough to be her mother, and they can't stand up to her.

Ahhh well.

Maya

Magic


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
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Innocent


What's your sexual appeal?
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Collapses in a fit of giggles, ok, this is tweaked...AHAHHAHA

Jezebel


Which bad girl of the Bible are you?
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Why oh why does this not suprise me. Whit your a brat for putting these on your blog:P

80% Seme


How seme are you?
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STILL no grade, sigh, I am an impatient one!

Weekend has been wonderful, both my men have been here and I have really enjoyed having them around. We have worked outside, watched sports, ate bad for you meals and just hung out. I really am amazed at times at how our little triad works. I know there are times where we all feel left out a bit, but, what impresses me is how we all deal with it. Yes there are occasional jealousies, but, we talk about them, and deal with them in an adult manner, instead of letting it fester and blaming it on the others in the relationship.

So far the weather has held out, it was beautiful, B, the lil one and I went for a walk in the forest yesterday to gather wintergreen for me to make tincture with for my muscle rub. Not sure what is up for today, I know we are supposed to go to dinner with the in laws and my sons aunt and uncle, these are his birth moms family, I am nervous. I always wonder if they blame me for ending up with J, and sometimes I think they might not feel I am doing as well as his birth mom would have with him. Its just natural fear, I know its not really true, but still, at times it is hard. The situation is very difficult, and this will be the first time since we adopted J that they will have seen him. I hope they go home happy with what he has for a life here.

Well, its almost 9 am, time to get my boys out of bed. Lazy slugs they are!