I hope I am not the only one who can't sleep. I was up all night tossing and turning, my head full of far to much stuff, especially for a blonde! I wish I could just shut down, but it is those silent hours when most rest, that my brain is the most active, and unfortunately, it is active with all the things I try to push away in my waking hours. So, what little sleep I did have was filled with turmoil and nightmares, something I am not accustomed to having. Last night I dreamed my dog drowned, I woke up in a panic, then not long after I dreamed of another drowning, I should probably look into the meanings behind drownings since this seems to be a recurring theme for me lately. I am sure it has some significance.

So today I go back to work...if you can call it work. I am going to care for the children I used to nanny for. They are old enough really to care for themselves, but, she just needs some help, and I figure they can entertain my son:) It is a win win situation! I am also looking forwards to spending time with Lucy again. I need more women in my life, I think, though I adore all my men, I am lacking the feminine bonding I need to thrive. I am a woman, and having lost my bleeding each month, I think I am identifying less with that part of myself.

So, a new path opens, hopefully one that will allow me a bit more peace in my life.

Tonight I am pretty sure Bob will want to come over to talk, but I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. I am still unsure of my feelings, I know he admits that what he did is wrong, but I am not sure he has realized yet why it is wrong. His cock, and his lonliness tell him it is ok to treat me like he does, that because I have a husband, it is not neccesary to actually stick to plans with me, always holding me as the ace in the hole, in case what he is seeking doesn't work out.

Maybe my reaction to the other night was a build up for all the times it has happened before, though in smaller fashions. Maybe I have just grown tired of always having to wonder if we will be doing something, always being put off til the last minute. I sort of feel like I am the fail safe, the if I don't get better plans I guess I can come see you.

I know that when I really need something he usually comes through for me, but, I would like to know that I am important enough in his life, the even in the times where I am not in dire need of something, he will be there for me.

I would like to think, that for any of the men in my life that when I am with them I give them my all, to the best of my ability. I never try to make them feel anything less then 100% important to me, going out of my way to make sure they feel nurtured and loved. Whether it is through cooking their favorite meals, making sure the things they like are in the house, or sitting at their feet while they work, just so if they wish they may reach out and touch me and know I am there for them. I feel like I don't get that from either of the men in my life. For them I am a convenience. I cook their food, do their laundry, keep track of their lives and make sure for the most part that their lives run smoothly.

I guess I should be happy with that, not many people could have what I do in my life.

Another day, I slept really late, having not actually fallen to sleep until sometime after 5 am. we didn't catch the mouse until sometime after 2:30, and I use the term catch loosly. I feel like crap today, my eyes are swollen so bad I can barely see, and my heart aches. I hate strife in my life, but until I can figure out exactly what I need to feel ok about yesterday...

It is a beautiful day today, but I don't seem to want to be out in it, I really want to find a place to hide. I wish I still had my table and umbrella outside, I could go curl up in the shade and just...read, or study.

Hubby offered to take the lil one and I to go see the new Rugrats movie I had wanted to go see weeks ago, but, its only playing during naptime...so will probably have to wait and see it when it comes out on video.

I should go get some sunshine and try to perk up a bit, but somehow, the beautiful day just isn't the same when you know someone you love is upset with you.

So, the evening progresses. You have to wonder what you have done that is so terrible against man and nature that you are punished with a day that just never seems to end...and continues to get worse.

We had a big storm yesterday that blew through and took out a bunch of my garden, and destroyed my patio furniture, about 500 in damage. I will be cleaning glass out of my yard for weeks to come. Then after my lovely evening tonight, I finally get my little one to bed, go to curl up in my own, and my dog who has a UTI pees in my bed. Now of course I can't yell at her, but I just fucking washed all my sheets and blankets, having just put them back on the bed not an hour before!

So, I strip my bed down, and find the only clean sheets I now have are my winter flannel ones, oh joy. I make the bed, curl up and watch a bit of one of my favorite shows trading spaces. After that ends, I know I still can't sleep, so I put on Smoky and the Bandit, but after a while get sick of that and knowing that though bob has called me a few times, I am not quite ready to talk to him...I should just go to sleep.

I toss and turn, and finally start to settle down when i get that feeling. then I hear a squeek...*sigh* in the dim light of my room I can see my white cat ...chasing something. I get up turn on the light and there she is with a mouse in her mouth, still alive...which she drops!

So now I have a mouse running around my room but I am not quite sure where it is, and I am hiding in my bed.

So, or course now I can't sleep, so I peek on, to get a message from him. I won' go into details, but suffice it to say, I feel about as important as pond scum at the moment. No amount of explaination is going to make it better, and I guess I really wasn't worth the effort. I feel physically ill. Right now, the only place I can think of wanting to be is the ocean. Letting my tears mix with the ocean, and knowing the hurt will be cleansed and the waters of life returned to me to lap at my toes.

I promised myself I would be honest in my blog, and right now I need to put words to paper, and allow myself to see that my feelings are ok.
Bob just left, he was here last night and we had what I thought was a good scene, my top mode was in full swing and I put it to good use, of course the toy boxes are all a mess again, but I could at least find things at the beginning of the night. This morning I got up early, loaded the truck for the dump, and took bob with me, leaving hubby at home to sleep in, he rarely gets that treat.

We all had a great breakfast, and usually Bob would head home at this point, but since hubby is working tonight I asked if he would like to stay, play in the afternoon, have dinner and...well nights are made for :). He said he had work to do, but could probably do it from his laptop, though I had asked if he could help out a bit on some household projects...yes, I am still painting! He said he needed to get work done, so the rest of us went out and got to work.

In the afternoon, hubby headed to work, and I got the lil one down for his nap, and headed downstairs, hoping for some attention, and perhaps to get in a bit more playtime, since lately I have just not been in the mood, and it seems to have perked a bit. I thought bob was working on something, so I settled beside him, knowing he has tons of work, and not wanting to bother him.

After a bit, he explains to me that he has been chatting with this new girl, seems he went cruising looking for a playmate while/instead of working...and lucky for him found one. Now, I do realize we have a very open relationship, and I do realize that there will come a time where I am going to have to let bob go to find the girl to love and marry and do the whole society norm thing with. I just guess, I thought the time we had together, alone...was our time. I figured that since the lil one was down, he would close out his conversation and we could at least snuggle.

He didn't, she wants to meet for dinner, and well, since he is at my house, they could meet without either having to go too far out of their way. At this point, instead of staying downstairs to listen to him go on about her, and being ignored I came on upstairs to play a game. I know I have to allow him this outlet, I can't be what he needs, and I need to realize that it is what I signed on for. I can't be jealous of this, I need to let it go.

After a while, a long while, he realized I was no longer downstairs and came up looking for me, and to tell me he was going to go to dinner with her tonight, oh, but there might be some party they would go to instead, would I vouch for him. He never said to me, I am going to cancel our plans, he never said, hey hun, I am sorry I know we were going to be together this afternoon, but instead I am going to go meet this great new girl. He just informed me of what he was doing, and probably thought I should jump for joy.

I wasn't quite sure how to react, and I know I closed down a bit. I mean, I had already started the bread rising for fresh rolls for dinner, planned the meal, and sort of was looking forwards to an evening with him. But, I know I can't hold on forever, I know he needs to find someone to love him and I knew I had to let him go, and try not to show how much I was hurting.

When I am hurting I clean, so I started folding laundry and tidying, he kept coming up to me and rubbing against me and trying to be all lovey, but my heart was not in it. I really want to be happy for him for having had such luck this week with finding playmates, and new people to meet, but maybe my hurt isn't only in knowing that perhaps the time of his moving on is coming...but also in knowing it will be the end of a journey for me.

So, after a while, him having to keep disappearing so he can chat with her about their plans, then coming upstairs to tell me about it, he decides he best get ready to go, showers, my heart aching a bit as I smell the scent of his soap, the scent that normally comforts me so, now reminding me that he does this for another.

He comes upstairs, making me stop what I am doing and tries to draw me close, but I can't do this I can't hold him in my arms and hug him, and taste his lips...then send him to her. So I tell him this, and I know he is angry with me, and he goes off to say goodbye to my lil one then returns and he kisses me once, and I return with a hug and tell him to have fun.

He then tells me he loves me, but somehow, it felt like a slap in the face and not the endearment I wished to hear. I am not quite sure what I said, but he tells me that you know it isn't often that I get so many dates in a week. What do I reply to that? With that he just left, he called something up the stairs to me, but I am not sure what...and he left.

As soon as I was positive the car was gone, I let down the facade I had thrown up, I let the tears finally flow, and now, more then an hour later they still spill down my cheeks. I feel like an idiot. This is not fair of me to do this to him, I am fucking married, I have a husband! He deserves to have his outlets, fuck, he can do whatever he needs to find the girl who can be his alone...but unfortunately my heart still aches for the fact that I was pushed away for his pleasures this night. I was put aside for a girl he had talked to for less then a few hours.

I do hope his date goes well tonight, and I hope his anger at me for not being able to control my emotions will fade before he meets her so he can enjoy his time. If you read this Bob, I am sorry for not allowing you to leave with a happy heart, it was not fair of me.

So, I go away for a day and people panic that I am not posting in my blog. I swear I am ok! Life has just been damn hot, and I was hiding in cool places, and spending time sorting out the toy bags, I hate disorder in my kink. Of course if things go according to plan, I intend to use most of it tonight anyways...poor Bob:)

So, I am around, nothing new to report except it is fucking hot and humid here, and i need to make myself a resident of the local beach.

http://bondage.com/forums/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=17788


Since I have come out on bondage.com as having herpes I have found a lot of support, and also some scorn, sometimes not meant…but felt all the same. I have spent a lot of time reading and listening lately, trying to really hear what people are saying and I become conscious of the fact that some people do not think of the impact of their words before they say them.

I am writing this because I know I am not the only person out there with an STD, and I am probably not the only person who feels the way I do about it. I am trying to change my perception of it, and through being open and honest with you all, I hope to at least educate, if not help you understand what goes on in the mind of a person with an STD.

Something that made me really stop to think about all of this is an experience I had at the Women’s Herbal Conf. this past weekend. I met a woman who I believe was Islamic, though I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to her. I became intensely curious about this woman dressed in robes, her face concealed from all. A few times over the weekend when no men were present she did uncover her face, but still the mystery intrigued me. So, I did some research and enlisted the aid of our beloved Librarian to learn more about this lifestyle.

I read some beautiful articles from Islamic women about the Purdah, and beyond the religious reasons they all said for them it was also about covering the beauty without, so the beauty within may shine. A man who cannot see your figure, or the loveliness of your smile is going to have to listen to your words and your heart. They will have to learn to accept what is in your soul before they are allowed a glimpse at the package it contains.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all have that? I have had so many e-mails from people who express an interest in me, most quite, hmmmm, graphic in how they think I am a lovely person outside. I then usually ask them politely to completely read my profile, especially the link to one of my posts. That gets rid of most of them…but I have had occasion where I will be e-mailed again to be told, oh I see you have a problem, or something like, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww and nice knowing you but forget it. Conversely when I get e-mails from people who compliment my posts, my profile or having chatted with me on irc and then ask them to make sure to read the link, or just straight out tell them I have herpes…well I have made some wonderful friends, and even a lover or two. For the larger part those who look beyond the shell, into my heart have been much more gracious about my herpes.

I have also on occasion read on here posts of people wishing dreaded STD’s on someone, or referring to STD’s as nasty, disgusting or gross. Maybe if people stopped a moment and thought about how those of us with an STD feel by having something we have referred to in those terms they might at least rethink their wording. It really is a shame that we have to hide behind our walls because society has compartmentalized what we are into neat lil boxes.

People with STD’s are sluts, unclean, obviously deserved it. Yet, when you find out your best friend has a cold do you feel that way? That is all an STD is, it is a virus. I bet most of you had chicken pox as a child, and your parents friends ran to get their children to expose them. It is a part of childhood, and yet Herpes is the same general thing, just in a different location. Because it happens to be on the genitals it is bad. Society has attached a stigma to anything regarding the genitals. Most STD’s are easily cured with anti-biotics and yet no one will discuss it. Those that aren’t except unfortunately Hiv/Aids are treatable and livable and even Hiv/Aids has seen terrific progress in treatment over the years.

Yes STD’s are not fun, neither is a cold, plantar warts or the mumps. The thing is we do not scorn those with colds, plantar warts or mumps, we nurture them and help them heal. When someone you know is sick you are right there at their side making them soup, getting their medicine helping them on the road to recovery. Please someone explain to me what the difference is? I have herpes, there are times it makes me sick and yet except for a small % of people who know me well I can’t share that with anyone for fear of being branded nasty, disgusting, and contagious. YES STD’s are contagious! But so are so many other things we come in contact with in daily life and yet we do not fear it. If you only knew the things that you exposed yourself to each day, things that lay dormant in our soils, on door handles, utensils and even our beds, if you treated each of those things like some treat STD no one would leave their home.

I know not everyone feels this way, and I am not saying in my collective you in my post that everyone regards those with STD as bad, but there are a great many who do. I just want to make everyone stop for a moment and think. If we as a society would be more open about this part of our lives it is my feeling that it would be far less an issue. If we could feel no guilt and torment over telling others that we had STD there would most likely be far less cases of it as others would educate themselves.

With me, any new partner I have, I make them research herpes on their own. Never rely solely on what someone tells you when it is going to have an impact on your life. That also relieves me of some of the burden of “guilt” that I place on myself if anyone I was with ever contracted it. At least I know that I did my best to educate them, and also made them educate themselves.

So please, if you have made it this far, take a moment to think sometimes before you make a statement. We all are guilty sometimes of being unfeeling in our words. Just remember that you can make the difference in someone acceptance of themselves. Every time I hear someone say something negative or derogatory about STD it sets me back a bit in my own acceptance of it. I have to rethink this, convince myself again that I am not a bad person, that I am not unworthy of a partner. Just remember, that even though for a lot of you it is only a picture and some words behind these posts, there is a heart too.

Maya

http://www.enneagramcentral.com/testa.htm
Thanks Jen!

Style Five
The life of the style Five centers on their thinking. Healthy Fives are both highly intellectual and involved in activity. They can be, if not geniuses, then extraordinarily accomplished. As the most intellectual of the nine types, they are often superb teachers and/or researches. Many healthy Fives are fine writers because of their acute observational skills and a developed idealism. They are highly objective and able to see all sides of a question and understand them.

When Fives become less healthy, they tend to withdraw. Instead of dealing with their sensitivity by being emotionally detached from results, they split off from reality, living in worlds of their own creating and not answering the demands of active living. Their natural independence as a thinker degenerates into arrogance. They can become quite arrogant or eccentric. In the movies, Fives are the "mad professors."

Fives you may know: Bill Gates, Scrooge, Buddha, T. S. Eliot, John Paul Sartre, Rene Descartes, Timothy McVeigh, Joe DiMaggio, Albert Einstein, H. R. Haldeman, Ted Kaczynski, Jacqueline Onassis and Vladimir Lenin.

So tonight Bob is bringing over his toy to meet me. I am a little nervous, feeling a bit shy, and insecure...and hoping I won't be jealous. I know the relationship is about sex and that is all, and to be honest I want him to find his true love, but then again I don't want to lose him. He has become such an important part of my life. I also have a feeling that I am probably going to have pretty high standards of what I find acceptable as a mate for him.

I guess I should go tidy the house, and maybe this afternoon I shall hide downstairs and sort out the toys in case he wishes to use them on her tonight. He would greatly appreciate some sense of order to the toy bag, and since he always takes responsibility for clean up and the like, I should. Not to mention its cooler down there:)

http://bondage.com/forums/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=40660

To glance at someone is to see the whole person, a shell, and nothing more. But to truly look into their eyes you get a glimpse of the windows and doors that conceal and protect the reality of the form you see before you.

Within me I hold many secrets, many places that few see. I choose to not put myself out there in my entirety because for most they haven’t the power within them to fully appreciate each facet of the gems I have hidden. There are places where none enter, places where only the truly curious dare to delve, and there are places that I are now locked, hallowed places, where once there was a cocoon, wrapped tightly in silk, carefully unraveled, nurtured and coaxed forth to spread beautiful opalescent wings…and fly.

It is those sacred places that are in my thoughts of late. Those places that harbor the cocoon of something beautiful that was created. A part of me that someone genuinely loved appreciated and cherished. I used to believe that once these parts saw the light of day, once they were released from their bindings of silk, forever would they be there, perhaps to be enjoyed by others as they too walked the hallways of my soul, looking for that tiny part of me to claim as their own.

Over time perhaps I have become jaded, perhaps I have grown weary, or maybe I have come to a place where I realize that for each part of me that is drawn forth, sometimes there is a heart-link so strong, or regrettably a pain to great, that it is impossible for that butterfly to return to its shell to await again the one who released it…and sometimes it is lost forever, unable to return to the locked haven where it was born, the reminder of the brutal unfettering of it’s wings keeping it from seeking solace within the shreds of the cocoon to be re-born.

I am heart-linked to my Master whose name I am not allowed to speak, he took the time to seek within me and find a girl to kneel at his feet, a girl to honor with silks of red and to train to his whim, his pleasure and his brutal love. The lock that protects the door to her holds only one key, and he alone holds it. There will never be another like her, for she was created for him, by him. The chances of anyone else finding a place that will release something such as she are slim, and there are days I long for what she was.

With tattered wings, and dark soulful eyes there is a girl who seeks to return to her silken bonds. Alas, once a transformation has taken place, there is no going back only forward. I sometimes wish the lil girl, that vulnerable part of me that reached out so unguarded had never been found. For she is the one that holds the most secrets, she is the one who could have unlocked so many other doors and she is the one who has felt the most pain. I hold the key to that lock, and I will not let her return, for she is better in the abyss, then locked in a place where in my heart overrides the mind and foolishly hands over the key.

Why am I sharing this with you all, because I know there are others out there who feel the same way, who look back over past relationships and weep bitter tears for the loss of something so special. I know there are people who have placed that key at the feet of another, who have done all in their power to show how much they sacrificed to trust that person and in so doing, have lost a part of themselves.

I have watched not only myself, but also recently a close friend as they return again and again to the place where creation happened, only to find that the keeper to that key had tossed it aside, its meaning lost upon them.

Do you mourn for a part of yourself that is gone, rejoice in ones who have returned home to nestle and keep a flame burning, reminding you of perfection or do you chase away those parts of you that long to return, for fear of the pain they will bring you?

Maya

so, I took a nap, I couldn't take the heat, and being upset about my father just tired me out. I had a really lucid dream, I haven't even remembered a dream in a long while. I dreamed of a section of river off teh Kancamangus, and a body was there, having been drowned. I can still see the jacket tangled in a branch holding the body while the water rushed over it. Red jacket, blue pants, dark hair, face down.

What wierds me out about this, is usually when I have dreams of death, they come true. I have known within 12 hours of it happening the death of 4 people, and 2 of them I had no idea where dying.

Is it bad to be jealous not that Bob is going to play with one of his other chica's...but that he is renting a room on the beach with her. I am FUCKING HOT, I want to go to the beach:P I can't even really escape the house, hubby took the car, the truck isn't running well and I can't drive scooby doo, it's a standard. I am thinking I might have to turn the tub into a pool, or come up with some sort of plug for my lil ones pool so I can fill it and we can cool off a bit.

off to brainstorm something to stuff a hole with...eg

Ok, summer is officially here I think, 90 in the shade and humid. Bleh, I hate humidity. I really would just be happy with spring and fall year round. I think that people believe if you live in NE, that it never gets hot here, well I am here to fucking tell you, IT DOES! I am about to break down and dig out the a/c, anything for a break from this heat.

My grandparents just left, they were horrified that my father was up the whole weekend, with my brother and sisters and didn't think to contact me, but, did think to leave a box with them to bring to my son. It was so hard to not break down and cry in front of my grandparents, they are like, we are so sorry he did this. What do I say?

I just said to them, well, I must have done something pretty awful in my life to be treated this way, in his mind I deserve this, what can I do but accept it. They didn't know what to say to that. They also told me they felt awkward calling me after the fact to invite me down so I could see them. Mind you, it was only a 45 minute drive for me. So, my father has seen his grandchild 2x in the past 2 years, and though I had hoped I would never be the type of person to pull this shit, it is probably his last. Heck, my son didn't even understand who the gifts were from, and you know what, a few presents means nothing. How can he do this to me, how can he be so close, and yet not even make an attempt to say hello.

I wish I knew what I had done to be treated like this. I don't understand my father at all. He is the one that kidnapped me when I was a little girl, he chose to do that to me, and when it came down to it, and I had to make a choice who to live with for the rest of my life, my mother who had always been there for me, or my father who out of the blue steals me in the night, of course I chose my mom. For fucks sake I was 7 years old!

I am really hurt right now, but I really don't think I can make anyone understand the pain in my heart. My friends are telling me to just go do something and forget about it. Easy to say, I wish I were the type of person who could just shrug this off.

So, this morning my grandparents call to say they are stopping by for an unexpected visit. Seems to be the week for family. I just got rid of my mom, step-dad and aunt. I enjoyed their visit though...my grand-parents on the other hand. They expect perfection in the house, my son pressed and dressed and the like. Bah, they are not getting it today, I was up all night with a kidney stone.

So why are they coming, seems my father was up visiting them and dropped by some presents for his only grandson. As usual he couldn't be bothered to go 20 mins out of his way to actually come say hi to us. Am I hurt, fuck yes, will I deal with it...yes, as the norm I will be a lil depressed then get over it. I just wish I could figure out what I had done so wrong to have been ostrasized from his life. If you ask him and his wife how many children they have, there are 3, my brother and sisters. I am not counted in the number.

My family is here, I just got them to bed, enjoying the peace for a few minutes before I head there myself. It has been nice to visit, and we accomplished a lot today. I pawned painting off on my Dad, was able to mow the lawn, move the downed trees and set up the new picnic nook, go for a nice long walk, feed everyone far to much food and bake and decorate a cake for hubby to take to work. All and all a good day.

I even introduced Bob to my mom...though obviously not as my owner. She really liked him, I think that is scary.

ah well, off to bed, it is about time for night terror time for my lil one, and if I am awake it gets me all upset.

Well, again when I most need him Bob puts everything aside for me and comes to cheer me up. I am in for unexpected, might drop in at any moment company for the next week, which means the household has to be kink proofed.

Naptime for the lil one was long today, so I got to finally try out the new corset, which, though I love and is gorgeous, isn't quite tight enough, you are not supposed to be able to breathe right? I guess I need to put on weight. He then did some lovely ropework on me, and we tested out my abandonment issues, he left me alone for 5 mins, and I promptly fell asleep, hmm...guess that issue is solved. Though actually, rope bondage doesn't bother me as much as say body mummification in saran wrap and duct tape. I have a feeling I wouldn't have peacefully fallen asleep in that.

After the lil one woke up, we drove down to New Castle, had dinner and went down to the beach, it was cute watching him at the playground with my son, I think he enjoyed the bars a bit to much, and from the looks I was getting I am wondering if he was thinking of me tied to them. Probably knowing him.

We came home, watched TV and snuggled, it was nice. I wonder though if the men in my life are frustrated at my lack of sexual drive lately though. Ok, no need to wonder, I am sure they are. Hopefully this shall soon change, it has to be a stage...I hope, I mean 30's is a womans sexual peak!

I haven't had my period in 5 months due to a surgery I had to have done. It has been disconcerting, I feel like I have lost time, I am no longer aware of the cycles in my life, having grown used to the build up of emotions, and then shedding. This month though, I am beginning to feel like my old self, and now I wonder what the hell I missed!

I think I stored up the last 5 months of crankiness, and it is all coming out now, not to mention this feeling of shed, yet there is nothing there. I had just come to a place of accepting that this part of my life was over, that there would never be a child of my own, and that though I am young, I am on the path to crone, and yet...now, perhaps not.

I think I need to go back to a few of my old comfort rituals, a yucky pizza is in order, and a milky way bar!

maya

6/19/2003 8:12:00 PM
Everything But...
Sometimes dinner just has to be ice cream, and not just any ice cream, Ben and Jerrys, or Godiva. YUM! You have to drizzle it with hot fudge and top with cinnamon red hots.

Ice cream meals come on only special nights, the nights where you have accomplished something that just makes capping the day off with a real meal seem ludicrous, reward is not healthy food!



6/19/2003 4:09:00 PM
Ya never learn
So, I have given up being MissDOMestic, and decided to move on to home repair. My husband built this lovely mohogany porch for me, he just sorta forgot to treat the wood, space the boards and finish it. So for the past few days, I have unscrewed far to many boards, sanded, oiled, sealed and replaced boards, now with happy lil spacers. Then I decided to pain the railings and balesters and stuff a chianti color and cream...to go with my yellow and brown house? Heh, ok, so soon the house will be painted to match. For now I don't care!

So, I am painting, and of course I got some on me. I am realizing now though that its LATEX paint, and I am allergic to latex. I can't find any damn mineral spirits, so I have been scrubbing, I am not sure which is worse, scrubbing off my skin or the allergy? I shall have to get back to you on that.

Heck when I am done I should just but frelling latex band aids on the scrapes while I am at it!



6/19/2003 1:12:00 PM
Presents
My package from canada arrived today. I had to peek, I couldn't help it, I have waited since March. If I was a good girl I would have waited for Sarcastro and opened it with him...but I am not, my curiousity was too damn great. I didn't even make it to the car before I was tearing off the paper and destroying the box. I guess it is going to be more then obvious that I got into it, unles...nah, I can't rebox it;)

So, it is at my feet right now, beautiful, shiny, silky, aqua blue brocaded silk. I want to feel it against my skin, snug, the black laces drawn tightly. But I shall wait, and just stroke the silky fabric.

Hurry home


6/19/2003 11:30:00 AM
Hurt me forever
I am continually amazed at people who are in a relationship where they know their partner is lying to them...yet they stay. Why? I can understand open relationships that are don't ask don't tell, I can understand relationships where it is agreed that there will be others, but, perhaps the submissive if not to know. But a relationship where you know your Sig other is off seeking others, and you are not comfortable with it, yet you stay?

My very first Master turned submissive, turned...perv, lied to me. Though we are now still close friends, I would never be able to trust him with the sort of relationship we once had. People do not change, they can try, but it never happens, even with the best of intentions.

Recently I had a long talk with my husband, we have known eachother half my lifetime, been together 11 years and married for 9 next month. There have been good times and bad times...and the bad times always boil down to the very same problems. I told him from my heart, hun, I love you but these things drive me nuts. I know you are not going to change, but I need you to understand that they are going to bother me. So, I will deal with the things that drive me nuts, you deal with the fact that I go nuts about them.


ah well, off to send my man off to work and put my lil one down for his nap.
[Edited 6/19/2003 11:30:51 AM]


6/18/2003 1:44:00 PM
Another day in Paradise/by the dashboard light
Though it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the dashboard light
Meatloaf


Lately I have found my salvation in the front seat of my car, driving away...from here. I need to figure out if I am fully ready to make this bit of land and home my haven, or move on. What I truely want, we probably could never afford, but, anything has to be better then this box of repairs with the lovely smell of pig and assorted farm animals from next door.

I am not sure if I understand myself, I would love to live on a farm, yet I resent the one next door. Perhaps because I hope I am not the type of person who would have the manure management skills of a dung beetle, who piles and hoards it. I would also hope that I would not be a neighbor who would want to odor tresspass on others, I may wish to keep animals, but heck, I wouldn't leave my cats litterbox full of shit on Norm's back porch.

So I guess I will dream, and look. I have a home for now, if the right one comes along...it would be easy to let this place go. But that means never truely sending my tap roots down, never truely bonding, and the land knows when your not at peace.

So, for now I will run, I will seek my paradise by the dashboard light. Maybe in my journies I will chance upon the place I am meant to be, and hopefully my pocketbook will agree!

I am moving my blog from b.com to here, I do not wish to cause Aiken undue trouble due to my stalker, so here I can post my thoughts without having to worry if someone feels something I have said is about THEM, and make it sound like I violated the aup.

It really amuses me that when someone in your life goes from friend to foe, they feel that anything you say is about them. You can talk about the most inane thing, and all of a sudden it is an attack at them. Unfortunately, due to circumstances of having had my personal information shared on the forums by this person, I can't just use the wonderful ignore feature, not that it works for me anyways. The one time I have used the feature and it doesn't work, I still have to see the posts and topics they put up. Ah well, its loki's way of keeping me humble I guess.

So, later I shall transfer my b.com blog to here, I already set it private so as not to have to deal with shit.