Got home yesterday from the WHC, long weekend, too much estrogen for me. But I had a great time. I learned a lot about being a radical woman, about how we have been taught that gender stereotypes are not ok, and that in the past women were just made to stay home...and how not true it is. It is funny how a conf. on women as healers, teachers and doers really taught me much about the bdsm lifestyle, about remembering that what is important is how I think and feel, and to ignore what everyone else says is right and proper.

I am still exhausted, coming down with a cold, so I am off to lay low for a bit.

Me

Today was a perfect day. I kidnapped my B for the day and dragged him to Old Orchard Beach, we walked along the surf, played in the water, enjoyed the sunshine then had Pier Fries, my favs. We went to the arcade for a bit, kicked eachothers asses playing the pinball game from hell that would never end, and air hockey.

Late in the day we drove to Portland to meet up with Ms. Scarlet, a lovely visit, a strange museam where we watched a woman writhe, moan and almost orgasm while trying to keep still as eels craweld beneath her shirt.

All and all...a great day:)

Being home alone with no one to distract me is a bad thing. I got to thinking today about past relationships, and times I have taken the high road, not done things I really wanted to for fear of hurting another, or, doing things for others and in the end getting shit on for it. You know what, all is fair in love and war, and I believe that is something I am going to have to learn to live by.

I have to say, in my relationships, I have never lost someone that I felt was truely mine to another person. If I really want something, I do my damnest to make sure they are happy, that things are ok between us, because I know, if they are not, I am easily replaced. For me, if your worth having in my life, your worth fighting for, which means, making sure to keep lines of communication open and knowing when to step it into high gear.

I see so many relationships fail, because, quite honestly, one or both partners drop the ball. You know what, if your not going to keep your mate happy, someone else will, there are probably millions of people out there just as compatable as you are with your mate, and to them, wanting your mate might be worth the battle against you.

Just my two cents.

http://alimenteelfuego.blogspot.com/

So I am out looking for my damn blog tonight and a google on my blog name brings up this other persons blog...

Just...wierd.

Maya

your subconscious mind is driven most by Love

Your instinct to love and be loved is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.

You inspire people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people.

Your unique capacity to love may be greater than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Alligator

See you later, Alligator. We won't be catching much of you around the singles swamp. You tend to lurk below the surface at some of the most happening and trendy scenes around town. Being the savvy prowler that you are, you give yourself adequate time to observe and calculate before you make your devastating moves. Once you've located your target, your slow, suave approach is enough to hypnotize just about anyone.

Sure, you might look tough on the outside, but you know how to woo a potential mate with soft strokes and tender words. To you, romance is a subtle dance and you're willing to take your time with it. You ever so skillfully develop your next cunning move that's always so impossible to resist. You've got the ritual of romance down to a science, don't you?
http://www.emode.com/tests/animal/

Are You Naughty or Nice?







nice naughty


You're On the Verge
We won't call the Vice Squad quite yet, but you're just a few crazy nights away from officially becoming "naughty." You've broken your share of rules — maybe had a few flings, taken some serious risks, embellished the truth every now and again to save your skin — but you're still nice when it counts. If it's dangerous, cruel, or really illegal, chances are you haven't done it. Which is probably just as it should be. We all like to walk on the wild side now and then (it can be so much fun to be bad!), but it's important to strike a balance and keep your urges in check. You're doing pretty darn well so far — keep up the good work!

http://www.emode.com/emode/tests/nice_or_naughty.jsp

Are You A Sex Goddess?



A brilliant bolt of lightning descends! SHAZAAM! The oracle has spoken!

The smoke clears to reveal that inside you is a divine being,

PERSEPHONE, Goddess of the Night,

a woman in touch with her deepest inner desires.

As the most sexual of all the female deities, you are very comfortable in the bedroom. Your skill at pleasing a man is unmatched, and you know exactly what you need for your own pleasure. As a woman of passion, you're very comfortable with expressing your desires to anyone. You are a proud and confident woman who exudes sensuality. You cherish the intimacy of physical attraction and know what it takes to win a man. As a woman deeply in touch with your sexuality, you definitely know how to thoroughly enjoy yourself! Your polished bedroom performance always keeps them coming back for more. When everything is going right, a light shines down from the heavens. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!

Sometimes I wonder if being a stay at home mom is any less work then being out in the workforce. I feel like I rarely have any time to myself anymore, but today I packed my lil one up and sent him off for a week with the gramma's. After the late late nights this weekend building Juan Iguana's new habitat I am pretty exhausted and am looking forwards to an evening of sleep. Not the keeping one ear open for the smallest sound of I need to go pee!, but, the deep sleep of a person who has no cares or worries beyond who has too many blankets on the bed.

Of course, even being child free, I have no great plans of escaping away and going to do naughty things, except for a conf. this weekend that I attend yearly with 400 other women, but, its one of those hippy vegetarian type things, I will be lucky if my excitement includes ice cream:P I am looking forwards to seeing my Jen, she is my snuggle bunny. We are tenting together, and sharing my sleeping bag:) It should be warm, cozy, and perhaps a bit damp in there. When the two of us are together, we rarely get any sleep for the fact that we stay up talking and nipple teasing all night. *sigh* I love my jen.

Tonight I went out with B, I think he poisoned me with garlic. My tummy is revolting. we took a nice drive down to the beach and looked at Mars and acted like teenagers in the car. I haven't necked and petted in a car in a long time. I felt like a high schooler again. Except now if a cop ever came to the window and found out I am married and the guy with me wasn't my husband, there would probably be more trouble the the lil slaps on the wrists I used to get in school when caught out watching the submarine races.


I should get to bed, going on about 4 hours sleep from last night. I need to get back on a normal sleep schedule.

Its early for me to be putting thoughts to paper, but my withdrawl from taking the percosets has caused me to feel like a big mac truck ran over me. I am taking it easy today. *laughs* ok, so before 9am I think I am taking it easy. Having a 3 year old child, and all the other various and sundry things it takes to keep my house in order, I doubt much relaxing shall be done. For now its a nice thought:)

The Dr's are still not sure really what is wrong with me, but I have decided that it has gone on long enough. I am dealing with the discomfort as best I can, hopefully on the 26th a bit more light can be shed on what is up. I still wish they had done bloodwork on me, or at least an endoscopy instead of the ultrasound. In reality, all the nurses and Dr's I talk to that I know say ultrasounds are really not good judges of what is going on. I am dealing though, and who knows, maybe my body will just decide its done making me uncomfy and stop. ( You here that you can stop anytime you want!)

Last night I had some pretty strange dreams, none I really care to share with anyone, cause you will just think my mind is fucked...ok, my mind is fucked. I am trying to figure out what they might mean, and what keeps coming to me is that I need to get back in touch with the earth, and get my ass in gear on my schooling. I always feel better when I am outside, and yet lately I have let my discomfort force me inside. That is a poor excuse. Ok, so we have had massive thunderstorms the past week and a half, but really, I used to love to be a part of that destructive force. I am thinking perhaps today I will either get the J-man outside to do a bit of gardening, I got half my garden weeded yesterday, or, perhaps a trip to the beach.

I still miss having Lexi here, she was a comfort to me, even amidst all the stress that was created by the baggage that was attatched to her, through no fault of her own. I never realized I could share a space with another woman, never really having bonded with females in general. I just don't put much stock in the whole frippery and shopping lifestyle that many women live. I am far to down to earth, have views most women would faint to even think about, and just, can't stand the typical female mind. I don't understand the mindset of finding a man, settling down to get married and depending on them for the rest of their lives.

I would probably have been better suited born to a tribe that practiced a matriarchal society, where the woman had many husbands to provide for her family, where the children were raised by the group, instead of just one and the men all worked their hardest to be the one that best provided for the family as a whole. I sometimes think that men in western society today feel that once they get a woman, they no longer have to work to keep her happy. I caught you, now your mine let us forget the days in the past when I showed you why you want me, they are over.

Many people have approached me lately because of my views on relationships. Most feel I am callous, how can you not just love one person, or they think I am a slut, laughs, goes to show you how deep within my they delve for answers. In reality I find a huge sense of security in the lifestyle I lead. I also do not believe that we were ever meant to settle for just one person in our lives. It is funny that in the hundreds of years it has been since our ancestors set foot on this bold new land, we have regressed to an even more puritanical society by the day. We may no longer burn witches, but we certainly sue them daily for not molding to the typical status quo.

Tell me those of you who read my blog, how many of your a deleriously happy in your status quo.

I am losing track of the days, losing track of many things. I feel so lost right now. I miss my Lexi! I am tired of having to take Percoset just to get through the day, of still not knowing exactly what the problem is, and being scared of losing another part of myself if my Dr's predictions are true.

Luckily the weather has been very humid, rainy and stormy lately. It makes this forced resting easier. I really hope they figure out something tommorrow, otherwise I have to wait until the 26th to find out about the 9mm calcification thats in my kidney.

My relationships seem to have settled down, C and I worked out the issues we were having, he finally stood up to his family about how our son and I are getting treated, and though we can't change how they are, at least now the ball is in their court. All the stress and turmoil I put myself through trying to be there for his family I have gotten rid of, fuck them. If they don't appreciate the things we try to do for them as a family, they obviously won't miss them being gone.

B and I have also had some long talks, and I think we have figured out a way to keep the relationship going. I hope!

Poly isn't easy, ever, but as long as the lines of communication are kept open, it can work. Our biggest hurdles are finding times it is ok for B to spend the night, and not make hubby feel his space is being too invaded, and making sure that everyone feels their stick is the same size. No one likes the short end of the stick. I care deeply about both my men, they bring so much into my life. I honestly can't imagine life without either one of them.

Well, I am still pretty foggy on percs, my brain isn't cooperating in the thoughts I wanted to put down, but I felt it was important to begin blogging more often again.

Perhaps I will be more coherent later.

It is Saturday night and I am finally making myself sit down and journal again. I have let life overwhelm me so much lately, that I forgotten the solace I find in typing words upon the page.

Hubby is gone for the weekend, he was about to lose it with all the stress in the house so I convinced him to go on the guys retreat weekend...and stay til sunday. He is about to seriously lose it, and though I finally think things are settling down, except for the damn cat having found its way up into my drop ceiling, this has all just been to much. I know how he feels, I have gotten to the point where when the phone rings I cringe.

Right now I am on Percoset, I have a kidney stone, and since there is really nothing the Dr's can do about it, I will wait til Monday to go see the Dr and see about having an IVP, I have a bad feeling this one is too big for me to pass on my own. I am thankful to Lex and B who have been watching out for me today, as the percs have me really unable to be...myself. Maybe my body just decided I needed to shut down for a bit. I still made a kick ass dinner:) Chicken caccatorie...yum.

Right now we are all in the living room, watching The Fischer King, I am going to have to watch this again when I am a bit more lucid, it seems like a great movie, but, honestly, I am completely fucking lost. B is playing some game on the computer, and Lex is on the floor, *grins* thats where the wench belongs, at my feet (yeah yeah I know you will read this brat). Oh, happy endings...I like Happy endings! All I can do is hope that by next friday I will have had one of my own.

My anniversary was the 30th, 9 years, I wish I could say it was a wonderful day, but honestly, it kinda sucked. Hubby spent a good part of the day car shopping with Lex, we went to skating with my lil one, who I will admit did great! but since I was a lil upset that yet again I had to disrupt my family life to solve another problem for M, I upset hubby. The rest of the night was kinda shot after that.

Well, my brain is fuzzy, I can't concentrate anymore so I shall head to bed. I am sure when I read this tomorrow it will make no sense to me, but at the moment, it is what is there.