I am really uncomfortable today, I did far to much this weekend with the lil ones bday and all. Running a bit of a fever, and well, let's just say that inside is not really liking me right now. Sharp pains and twinges all the time. I refuse to be less then perfect when I leave for florida on Saturday...I can force myself well right?

Friday was a long day, I trucked all over the place looking for nascar things for my lil ones cake, only to get home and have my hubby tell me his mom made him a cake. I was really disappointed. I probably took it harder then needed because of what is going on with me, but, I didn't ask her to make him a cake, and I sort of wanted to start this tradition with my lil one, I had made what I call junk cake for a friend and he LOVED it, so I told him for his b-day I would make him one. What I do is make two different layers of cake, put chocolate frosting in the middle of the layers, then frost with vanilla and sprinkle with cookies. Then I go into our candy jar and cover it with whatever is in there, candy bars, lindt chocolate, lil nascars, pez dispensers whatever. I had bought a ton of lil nascar candies and hotwheel chocolates to do the cake in, had a huge Tony Stewart centerpiece for it, and since his bday was nascar themed it sorta was the centerpiece to the day.

I know I could have made the cake still and had two, but she normally makes really big cakes, and we really didn't need a ton left over. She brought this stupid puppy cake, so not my son. He is all about trucks, cars, things that go fast. Not to mention they showed up two fucking hours late! I was pretty livid, but did my best to hide it and not spoil my lil ones day.

Hubby and I went and saw Mystic River later that night, we had to bring my niece back to Boston, and since we had my mom here to sit with my son we stayed out for a lil bit. The movie was good, but I expected more. Sunday my sons actual bday we made him his favorite breakfast then took him bowling with a new friend. he loved it.

Today I was supposed to head up north, but IT IS SNOWING, hasn't stopped all day, we better not have to frelling plow I will be pissed. I guess I shall end up going tomorrow, I hope the weather clears up.

I am resting, should have been doing that from the moment I got home, but somehow...no matter what the dr says I just never listen. I am regretting it now as I am pretty uncomfy. When I went in, she gave me the whole this should be no big deal spiel, then once she got me all set up, she realized that all the worse case senario stuff she had told me is the path we would be taking.

She took about 5 biopsies, some more painful then others, even though at times I am masochistic, it isn't easy to keep yourself still while they pinch pieces of flesh from your inner bits without anything to numb the area. I ended up passing out on her, so the whole deal took much longer then I expected, and when all is said and done she has told me that what she is seeing, the changes in just the 6 weeks since I was there before and the way it has progressed that most likely I will be in for the leep procedure in a few weeks to nip this in the bud as she is pretty certain I am past the mild dysplasia and well into moderate.

I am scared, I went through this less then a year ago, and at the time was told the leep had a 98% success rate...yay me for being in the 2% range. At least I am staying on top of it though, and hopefully it has not progressed to the point where when she calls me on the 19th she tells me we have moved beyond pre-cancerous stage, to cancer.

I know that because we have kept watch, and I have been really good about keeping to my 6 month appointments that we should be able to keep this in check, but, the big picture scares me. It is times like these I sometimes wish I had a close circle of female friends to talk to about things, but, I really don't. The women in my life are more likely to try and coerce, tell me what to do, then provide the support which is all I really need.

The next few days are going to be hectic, I have this to deal with, the situation with my mil unsettled, trying to plan for my lil ones birthday which...isn't going smoothly, and 2 days ago I had decided to rip my house apart and do a major spring cleaning, move every large piece of furniture spree...at least the heavy work is mostly done, now it is just putting the pieces back together.

My mom will be here this weekend, I am not sure what I am going to tell her, I really don't want her to worry and bug me to death about this. Things have changed so much with her since I was little. I can remember driving myself to the hospital with kidney stones so as not to bother her, and now, she didn't even want me to have a friend drive me to my procedure today. I am glad I choose to have B take me though, as I probably would have cried in front of my mom. Crying doesn't solve anything though...bleh.

Off to lay down, my brain has had to much stuffed in it the last few days, and I just need a rest.

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Last night was horrid, I had a killer migraine, the kind where even the clock light in my otherwise pitch black room was to much light, I couldn't find any position that was comfortable and any bit of food or pain med I took came right back up. The little one was no help, he was up a few times, had to pee, glass of water, lets just kick and scream to make mom miserable.

I finally got through the night, I think it subsided some around 5am this morning. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I made it through the morning, got a bit done on the quilt I am working on, then my mother-in-law called. My lil ones birthday is coming up,a nd as per her regular schedule she has to try and ruin it. She whined about the plans I have, then started in on me not inviting his Uncle. The uncle who can't be bothered to return phone calls and has not spoken to us since sometime in the middle of last year. I let her know this, and she INFORMS me that I have to fix this. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I am sick of trying to fix the family, ball is in his court. She started after me, and well, I might have told her to shove it up her ass...to which she hung up on me:)

So then I had to call hubby and let him know I pissed off his mom, and for once he completely agreed with what I did. Miracles do happen. So who knows what is going to happen now, I would be completely happy if she didn't show up for my sons bday, she would make the day miserable anyways. If she does show, I am going to be hard pressed to be civil to her. I have been with hubby 12 years now, she has yet to change her attitude towards me, how dare I be able to live my life and not have to go crying to her all the time for money and the like, like her precious other son who can't seem to wipe his own ass without his mother giving him $10,000 for custom shit paper.

So, what do most women do when they are pissed off...either clean or bake if you are me. Cookies are cooling on the counter, and my kitchen is immaculate except for washing the floor which I will do once I get the lil one down for his nap. I then plan on moving all the big furniture in the living room and re-doing it. Probably will regret taking apart the stereo system and trying to move the entertainment center, but who cares.

What I would really like right now though is one of my lil slut toys to beat, a nice hard flogging and a good session with some rope and them helplessly bound. Hrm... probably n ot safe for them though:)

So, on goes another day in paradise.

I have mostly moved to livejournal, but am going to cross post here, just to be confusing;)

I am just back from going to j's birthing way. I left friday night, taking the 3 year old monster to my moms. After about 5 mins, I remembered why I don't go to my mom's that often anymore, my step-father is a complete food control freak, he seems to think that he is the only person that need to eat a real meal, not just a tiny bit of food. For dinner my son and I got to share a pork chop, oh boy, and of course being the mom I made sure my son got as much as he wanted, and being that he is a growing boy...was most of it.

When they come here, he eats me out of house and home, but when I go there, I always feel like I can't have anything. I am glad I had brought some food, I ended up feeding my lil one before I left in the morning, and just got out, took myself out for coffee and a donut before the long drive to J's party.

I got a lil lost, I knew I made a wrong turn, but I wouldn't listen to that lil niggling voice that said, HEY pioneer valley isn't where you want to be! I still got to the birthing way on time though, Leaving early was a good choice.

I really enjoyed the ceremony for J, we did a belly and breast casting for her, and I found it amusing that she was able to lay there naked while we oiled her body, then placed strip after strip of plaster of paris on her, yet after she showered she was hiding her body with a towel:) I told her so and we all had a good giggle. We all decorated butterflies for her, which she is going to use as a mobile for her new baby, and each of us gave her a bead to be woven into a dream catcher.

I headed home after the party, another 2 hours in the car, then home for a next to nothign dinner, which after a vegetarian potluck we had at the party *read a bunch of ppl brought cheese/bread and chips, I was starving.

My lil one was up all night, So I got next to nothing for sleep, and today I am just pretty wiped out. I should probably take a nap, but I think I am just going to call it an early night tonight and try to get a early start on the day tomorrow.

I am really nervous about thursday, I hate this procedure they are doing on me, I usually end up pretty sick afterward. I am worried about getting back bad results from the biopsy too. I really don't know what I am going to do if the worst case senario plays out. Last year we were so certain we got rid of all the bad cells, and they are back. What is the next step? We already did leep on me, and she says since it didn't work, that perhaps the next step has to be more drastic.

So all I can do is not worry like everyone is telling me. Easy, it isn't their body!