I find myself withdrawing today, I am hurt, deeply. I can't seem to stop this downward spiral of questioning.

I need to walk away for a bit, at least from part of all *this* To many voices, to many expectations, and my desire to be pleasing has me feeling that I can no longer do anything because I seem to cause disappointment in a few.

Why can't I find a place of honesty, I so long for a part in this life, but time and again I am shown that it is filled with hypocracy and deciept. Why do I return over and over, am I really that pathetic a glutton for punishment?


To be quite honest, I regret the day that I ever chose to return to the softer side of the silks, I am not going to find him again in this world of flat screens and typos. I refuse to lower my expectations...

I made my resolution, make one person smile each day. I believe I succeeded today, we spent the day with my niece. We had a great lunch, even if our household was still stuffed from breakfast, then went and saw Polar Express. Of course they all wanted to sit in the nosebleed seats for stadium seating and I just about died going up all the stairs on my crutches.

I really am ready to be done with this, I find myself walking a little on it, forgetting its in the cast and getting up. I just, have reached that point of frustration where I don't really care anymore. I need to call monday and find out when the cast comes off.

In the interim, I am watching Big Fish, will be crying my eyes out later I am sure. This movie is so touching, in so many ways.

Ah well, off to socialize in GPR, I did let Master BDW know I am taking some time to know myself, all he said was continue to be pleasing...

Maya